The Height of Insanity
by dandy wonderous
Summary: Dandy, her favorite characters, and copious amounts of something that wasn't sugar in her tea. Crack x-over fics! Newest: It was like Desperate Housewives, but worse, and it took all Riku's strength to keep from strangling her on the spot...
1. Blondes, Dumb and Otherwise

Title: Blondes, Dumb and Otherwise

Rating: K+

Characters: Cloud and Elena (_Final Fantasy VII_), Sanji (_One Piece_), Naruto, Temari, and Deidara (_Naruto_), Demyx and Larxene (_Kingdom Hearts_), Zell (_Final Fantasy VIII_), Tamaki (_Ouran High School Host Club_), Elwyn (_Shining Tears_), Edgar (_Final Fantasy VI_), Joey Wheeler (_Yu-Gi-Oh_)

Pairings: None

Spoilers: Mentions of the Wall Market (_Final Fantasy VII_) and stuff from _Naruto_ chapter 249-ish (though it's all so old that it can't really be called a spoiler…)

Notes: Hello all! I decided to step outside my norm and do some crossover junk! Except… this is all mostly crack! It's based on thoughts I have about similarities between plots, characters, etc. from my favorite fandoms. This first one is from the observation that blondes in anime and video games tend to be loud, temperamental, have short attention spans, and be generally stupid. Except Cloud; he's the odd-ball. Like Squall, but less broody (and less cool; I know, I just insulted the main character of one of the biggest video game fandoms in the history of forever… so let me dig a bigger hole by saying I find his character dull). So this is about said blondes and Cloud. Demyx's hair is more of a light brown, but go with it.

Summary: Cloud wouldn't mind his hair color so much if the other blondes didn't give it such a bad name.

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Blondes, Dumb and Otherwise

By Dandy Wonderous

Cloud was trying to enjoy a drink in peace, something he should have known was never meant to be.

At first the bar was empty besides the lone bartender and the ex-Soldier, and he was okay with that.

The door opened and a suited figure entered. Sanji, the perverted cook from the _Thousand Sunny_. Well, since Cloud wasn't currently in drag, the other blonde ignored him and slumped five stools down.

They drank in silence, oblivious to the other. It was peaceful, and Cloud was enjoying the break from saving the world from some new doom.

Then a certain blonde ninja burst through the door, followed by a rather irritated looking kunoichi.

"I want raman!" Naruto yelled at the bar owner, slamming down next to Cloud.

"You're so annoying," Temari chided, knocking him upside the head. "I _thought _you were supposed to be escorting me; instead it looks like _I'm_ the one babysitting."

The previously quiet patron at the end of the bar was immediately on his feet, twirling over and giving Naruto a good kick. "Lout! Don't go causing trouble for such a beautiful lady!" He turned heart eyes on Temari, who smiled broadly.

"Thanks; he needed that."

"Anytime, Temari-chan!"

About that time two swirling orbs of darkness appeared and two cloaked figures stepped out.

"Told you this would be a great place for a drink," one, a male, said, throwing back his hood and revealing spiky blonde hair.

"It better," complained the other, female, with blonde hair that fell to her shoulders, two strands of it flying back oddly like rabbit ears. "Or you'll pay for it."

The male, one Demyx by name, visibly gulped. "Now, Larxene, please don't be hasty…"

Sanji the love cook spotted the Nobodies and was off in an instant, pouring all kinds of sweet words on Larxene that were swatted away like flies.

Cloud sunk lower onto his stool and wished they would just go be annoying elsewhere.

"Hey, Cloud!"

He jumped, then turned around at the familiar voice. Elena had just walked in. Oh, the night just got better and better.

She sat down on his other side and ordered a drink. "So what're you doing here?"

"Just made a delivery and killed some monsters, so I stopped in for a drink."

"I see. Well, I just got back from an assassination… Oh, wait, it's highly confidential."

Cloud sighed. _A few sips of that daiquiri and I'm sure I'll hear all about it._

Another blonde ninja walked in and sat down, only to be almost immediately assaulted by Naruto.

"Hey, you're that freak that killed Gaara!"

"And you're the kitsune brat," Deidara replied coolly.

Temari glared at him. "I oughta give you a piece of my mind…"

Meanwhile, Sanji had noticed Elena and was now showering her with affection.

Demyx had produced his sitar from nowhere and was playing in a corner.

The door was all but kicked in and a man with very spiky blonde hair and a huge tattoo on his face flipped in. "Looks like there's some fun going on here."

_Oh good lord, not Zell. Why isn't he off bugging Squall?_

Larxene was yelling at Demyx to shut up, her point accentuated by kicks from Sanji.

Elena had loosened up and was now telling about her "highly confidential" assassination in great detail.

The door opened again, and a blonde high school student wearing fancy designer clothes waltzed in and immediately fell to cooing over the first girl in sight. As though Sanji weren't enough.

The bar was falling further into chaos.

Naruto grew bored with arguing with Deidara (after several miner explosions) and was now starting a hot dog eating contest with Zell.

Tamaki's background roses were piling up fast.

Demyx had been reduced to a whimpering sap in the corner, Larxene contentedly sipping her drink.

Temari was listening to Elena's story with empathetic nods.

A beautiful blonde elf entered and gained the immediate attention of Sanji and Tamaki.

Apparently two love struck idiots _weren't_ enough, as King Edgar waltzed in to see who might be around to pick up.

Zell and Naruto were choking on the hotdogs.

That Elwyn girl was _way_ too loud for a dainty elf.

Something someone said had ticked Larxene off, because now lightning was flying everywhere.

Elena's tale now had sound effects.

Deidara was playing with his clay, and explosions rocked the tables.

Demyx had picked up his sitar playing again.

Temari slammed her mug down and loudly demanded another drink.

Joey Wheeler had entered and was annoying everyone with his Brooklyn accent.

Zell and Naruto had recovered and resumed their idiot consumption of processed meat.

"ENOUGH!!!"

Cloud was up, Buster Sword raised high.

"You guys are too freakin' _loud_!!! All I wanted to do was drink in peace, and then you show up and…"

He trailed off as it registered that he was standing on the bar counter. From this angle, he could see down Temari's shirt. And Elwyn's. And maybe Elena's, if she loosened her tie a little…

Man, those hot dogs smelled _good_…

He froze.

_Oh no. I'm turning… into… one of… __**THEM**__!!!_

Slowly, he got down from the counter and laid money on it for his drinks. Then, without a word, he walked between the stunned faces and exited the dead silent bar.

Behind him he heard the noise start up again as Elena said, "So anyway…" and Zell choked on another hot dog.

_I'm dyeing my hair black._

**The End**

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A/N: I know, it was completely pointless! But then, I didn't promise you anything good or inspiring; I promised crack, and that's exactly what it is. Poor Cloud…

This is Dandy Wonderous, blonde and proud of it, signing off.


	2. Didja Hear?

Title: Didja Hear?

Characters: Hayner, Roxas, Pence, Olette, Larxene, Axel, Namine, Riku (_Kingdom Hearts_), Selphie, Irvine, Refia, Squall (_Final Fantasy VIII_), Aerith, Cloud, Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent (_Final Fantasy VII_), Shuyin, Lynn, (_Final Fantasy X-2_), Yuna, Rikku (_Final Fantasy X_), Balthier, and Ashe (_Final Fantasy XII_)

Pairings: Dear lord… RoxasxNamine, RoxasxOlette, PencexSelphie, IrvinexAerith, CloudxLynn, CloudxTifa, YunaxBalthier, LarxenexBalthier, YuffiexBalthier, VincentxRefia, SquallxAshe, AshexAxel, AxelxNamine, HaynerxNamine

Spoilers: None of consequence

Notes: This came about from a tagged picture on facebook in which one of my friends made himself Roxas and his girlfriend Olette. Another girl asked why his girlfriend was Olette if Roxas ended up with Namine, and thus I wrote this in explanation… and to annoy the heck out of the guy who tagged the picture. It was highly amusing. This has been modified from its original version… to make sense (because I don't know why it wouldn't fit your screen…XP). Rikku is telling the story to Riku because I like writing things with Rikku and Riku. XD

Summary: It's like _Desperate Housewives_… yet slightly worse…

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Didja Hear?

By Dandy Wonderous

Riku was enjoying a nice, quiet day on Destiny Island, laying on the beach, munching a paopu fruit (which, he had to admit, was somewhat depressing alone), taking in some rays, and reveling in the peace and quiet.

So, of course, something-or _someone_-had to come along and ruin it all.

"Riku! Didja hear!?!"

Riku cracked one eye open and glared at the bubbly girl running at him at full speed. "Rikku? What're you doing here?"

"I've come to tell you the news!" she explained, breathless. She flopped down next to him with a soft thump.

Now Riku was alert. He sat all the way up and shifted to better face her, tensed for whatever bad news she had brought. "Okay, what is it? Heartless? Nobodies? More long, white haired maniacs?"

"Worse!" she wailed. "Roxas cheated on Namine with Olette!"

Riku stared at her blankly for several minutes. Finally he sighed, rubbed the bridge of his nose, and asked patiently, "Is that all?"

"Well, no," she said, and then took a deep breath.

_Well, I could always rip out her heart and turn her into a Heartless… No, no, I'm not an evil minion anymore. Remember the therapy!!!_

"Okay, so it turns out Pence had this major crush on Olette and he was totally upset after he found out about her and Roxas. But then he met Selphie, and I guess they just kind of clicked. Irvine found out about Selphie and Pence so he hooked up with Aerith, who, it turns out, has always had a thing for cowboys. Cloud was so distraught that he offed himself and wound up on the Farplane where he ran into Lynn, who has a thing for bad boys. They hooked up which made Shuyin mad, so he went to Yuna to get her to get the Fayth to give Cloud his life back. Yuna refused until he agreed to help her get a date with Balthier. The Fayth agreed and Cloud was forced to part with Lynn and return home to Tifa, who beat the crap out of him because it's obvious that he's in love with her, anyway. Meanwhile, Yuna got her date with Balthier but it was violently interrupted by Larxene, who decided that she wanted the sexy British sky pirate for herself. Yuna and Larxene had a showdown that ended up with Yuffie winning by an unexplained turn of events. Yuffie and Balthier went on that date while Vincent, having lost yet another love interest, stalked off to get drunk and happened to run into Refia, who had broken up with Squall after he changed his name and ran off with two single girls and an old man. When word of this newest relationship got back to Squall or Leon or whatever, he got rather mad and asked Ashe out in revenge. But Ashe refused, because she had her eyes set on Axel. But Axel is in love with Namine, who is living with Heyner because Roxas cheated on her with Olette, whose memory Pence is drowning out by going out with Selphie. And thus the story comes full circle!!!" She took a few deep gulps of air, then nodded in satisfaction.

Riku waited until his head stopped spinning from the rush of information. "…And?" he finally ventured to ask.

"And what?"

"And why did you have to tell me all this?"

She blinked at him for a moment, then smiled. "Oh, I didn't. I was actually supposed to tell you that Sora was in trouble in Neverland and needed your help."

Riku slapped his forehead. "Anything else?"

She wracked her brain. "Nope, I think that's it. Boy, is my mouth parched from all that talking…" She trailed off, her eyes landing on the half-eaten poapu. "Oo, that fruit looks really good!"

"Huh? Wait, no, don't eat-"

Riku was too late; Rikku had taken a huge bite of the star shaped fruit and was chewing it appreciatively.

Riku sighed and let his head hit his knees. It was times like this when he wished he was still under Ansem's influence…

**The End**

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A/N: Poor Riku… *giggle snort* Anyway, only Rikku's long speech happened in the thing I posted, but I added all the bits around it for clarity. And it's fun to bond Rikku to Riku for forever and eternity. ^^

**Reader Review Corner!!**

Although I may have already replied to you, Izumi, but here's an official one.

IzumiTheMoogle: I feel sorry for him, too… Okay, so no I don't. XP I'm sure you could! They know how to party! Well, what else were they going to do with boobs in the vicinity? He would have; good thing most of them were supporting characters (besides Naruto). He is, indeed, and therefore he was a prime target for torture.

This is Dandy Wonderous, who maybe shouldn't drink so much caffeine, signing out.


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